The Greatest Parenting Book Ever Written

I’m in love, readers. Truly. The following is an excerpt from my new favorite book, “Raising the Perfect Child Through Guilt and Manipulation” by Elizabeth Beckwith.

Chapter 1 – Creating a Team: “Us Vs. Them”

“A family should be a team. A tribe. A group of people living together who, tough all individuals, share a common set of values and principles. It boils down to this golden rule: “We do things a certain way, and everyone else is an asshole.” This is the foundation of the Guilt and Manipulation philosophy. Without establishing this precedent, none of the other steps will be effective. Now, is this something you should put on a bumper sticker and slap on your minivan? Of course not; that would be trashy. Like many of the lessons you will learn in this book, this is something that goes unspoken. It’s tricky business, but before long, relaying to your children who the jerks are via telepathic messages will be second nature.

Before we go any further, let me give you a list of assholes to familiarize yourself with. Every family is unique, so your list may be a little different than mine – although if your list is too different, the possibility exists that you are an asshole yourself and need to take a good, hard look in the mirror before you reproduce again.


  • Parents who “party” with their kids.
  • Sloppy, drunk people. Look, I’m not going to pretend that I’ve never been publicly intoxicated and embarrassing. I’m sure most of you have been this person at various moments in your lives. But it is important to openly disapprove of this in front of your child with comments like, “How embarrassing!” or “What a fool!” It is also important to make a pledge not to be that person ever again. You have kids now. You don’t want to be the Dressed Inappropriately for Your Age Loser puking in the parking lot of a bar full of college students.
  • People who steal.
  • People who drive trucks that have been lifted by some hydraulic system. The usually have giant tractorlike tires and some kind of offensive bumper sticker.
  • Conversely, people who drive tiny, lowered cars. You know the ones. They’ve turned their Honda Civic into a racecar with tacky purple lighting. They almost murder you on the freeway as they re-create scenes from 2 Fast 2 Furious.
  • People who speed down residential streets and/or in parking lots.
  • Couples who display overtly sexual affection in public. Especially teenagers. I am looking at two of them right now as I type this, and I am about to throw up. One of them has a Mohawk. Double whammy.
  • People who cut in line. It’s not okay you’re five, and it’s not okay when you’re fifty-five. Wait your effing turn!

This is just a partial list, but hopefully it will prove helpful to you.

Recognizing an asshole is one thing; indoctrinating your children to find the same people offensive is another. It is important to begin the brainwashing early, while they still worship you. It has been proven that children are more adept at learning foreign languages when they are very young; the same is true of learning to identify an asshole. Now, before I go any further, let me make something clear. This is not about being rude to every person who falls into this category. Not at all. In fact, your child will often witness you being kind and generous to some of these jerks. You may even swim in the same genetic pool as some of these people. This is about one thing: not letting your child grow up to be an asshole.”

One thought on “The Greatest Parenting Book Ever Written

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